We want our children to be well mannered, helpful, thoughtful and empathetic.
Before having children I felt a little nervous about the physical nurturing (nappy changing, feeding, sleeping etc), and a whole lot of big nervous about how to encourage them to be wonderful adults and contribute positively to society.
I mean, what a huge responsibility. Plenty of people just turn out nasty – there are so many horrible things that happen every day in our world. How can I ensure that my people are the good people?
Traditional parenting seems to control and structure toddlers as they learn to socialise with one another. When a whiff of conflict is sensed adults rush to intervene – don’t take that, take turns, give him your toy, distract you with this one, say sorry…
“Excuse me – I just have to sort out this situation” is a phrase I’ve heard many times from my friends as our toddlers start to socialise in a determined fashion.
Magda Gerber suggests there might be a better way – and I think it’s marvellous. This is a fantastic article about play date rules. I really like how it identifies that by intervening, we are separating the children from each other and robbing them of an important learning opportunity.
The important learning experience is to resolve your problem. Yet, when we see children trying to solve a problem, we don’t let them. We feel they are suffering. – Magda Gerber
If your children are playing with mine and I don’t intervene when Alyssa takes your child’s toy, or when they start to fight over something – it’s not because I haven’t noticed. I am mindfully letting them socialise and purposefully not interrupting. You know that moment when a toddler looks at an adult and waits for them to resolve their conflict? I don’t want to sort out my daughter’s challenges.
It’s really really tough to leave them to it (but intervening physically for safety if it comes to blows!), but I will.
I will try not to lift Alyssa onto the tower at the playground. I will try not to prop Toby up into sitting. I might subtly loosen the screw top on the jar but will try to leave most of the challenge for Alyssa. I will not put food into Toby’s mouth (except possibly porridge, a little, for a short while, because it is stupidly messy).
And, I will try to not intervene when toddlers are arguing, even though it is really hard and sometimes it looks like I’m letting my daughter be a brat.
Because I want to give my little people the chance to learn all this stuff themselves.
Ooh what’s this?
Porridge? For me?
All by myself? Thanks Mum!
Flow Thyme 