Can I not smile?

Let’s think some more about respect, and in particular respecting bodies.

It’s my body and I’m the boss of it

I think that phrase came out of a self defence class I did when I was little and I’ve never forgotten it. Now I try to encourage Alyssa that this is the case for her too, and she doesn’t have to tolerate people doing things to her body that she’s not ok with. Obviously there are the usual toddler-boundary-pushing occasions that could be tiny exceptions such as nappy changes, hair washing, nose blowing etc. However we find that if we give her the time to make a decision she’s almost always happy with us helping with her personal hygiene.

I love that her language has just reached the point where she can be very clear about her body boundaries. Yesterday when we were leaving Grana and Grandad’s house and we suggested, “smile for Grandad?”, she replied, “Can I not smile?”. Proud Mama moment!

This morning I was doing something (can’t remember, probably stroking her head or rubbing her tummy) and she said, “No Mummy, Don’t do that”.

On the topic of verbalising boundaries, we always use proper anatomical terms for our children’s personal areas. If I’m not comfortable asking Alyssa if she wants to wash her own vagina, how can I expect her to be comfortable talking to me if someone does something to her that she doesn’t like?

We try not to coerce her into physical affection – we’ll invite her to share a goodnight kiss or cuddle, but if she declines that is the end of the matter. No – you’ll make me sad/please Lyssa/just a quick one etc etc. We usually invite her to blow a kiss instead which she likes to do.

The other interesting topic is Tickling. Now please don’t think I’m targeting you if you have tickled my babies, because absolutely everyone (me included) tickles babies at some time. It is just so much fun because they invariable smile and giggle and appear to love it.

But do they?

I hate being tickled. I can’t think of anyone who says they love to be tickled. But everyone laughs when they’re receiving a tickle attack. In amongst the giggles we try to protest and say Stop.

Babies can’t say stop. They just giggle. But what are they really feeling?

Just think about it, and pause to consider what the little humans are feeling.

PS I have a really delicious video of Toby giggling while I cover him with kisses. Not quite tickling, but close. But it’s pretty scrummy. It’s on my FB page because I haven’t worked out how to put a video on here…

Interrupted babies

Focussed on Nani’s music

I’m making an effort at the moment not to interrupt Alyssa when she’s busy. The ability to focus on a task is an extremely important skill, and it’s not uncommon for people to find it challenging. There are so many distractions in life! But that it’s difficult to stay focussed is really not much of surprise given how often babies are interrupted.

Here are some examples:

* Last week I took Alyssa to mini muscles for the first time, which is basically a big room full of all sorts of exciting foam mats, tunnels, foam steps and slides, balls, obstacles… I thought this would be perfect for a baby who’s all about climbing and exploring. We arrived, I sat her down and she went and played with a washing basket in the corner. A washing basket!! We have those at home, Alyssa – why don’t you get into all the other fun things? It was a real challenge to leave her to focus on and play with what she chose to, rather than redirecting her attention to what interested me.

* Alyssa is busy playing with her yellow peg (current favourite toy), and somebody comes to visit. As expected, we all try to redirect Alyssa’s attention to the person and get her to play with them. Perhaps a simple ‘hello Alyssa’ and then just enjoy observing her focussing on her task might be more appropriate.

Of course there are times when we see that a task needs to be completed (nappy change, lunch, getting out for an appointment). But perhaps it would be more polite and respectful to give Alyssa some prior warning – “we’ll change your nappy in a couple of minutes, darling”, or “lunch is in 10 minutes”.

After all, who am I to decide that building blocks with me is more important than investigating the piece of fluff in the corner of the room?

There are times when I just can’t help but sneak up behind her and kiss the soft patch on the nape of her neck and stroke her cheek…

How many times a day does your Mama-heart burst with the loveliness of your child?

My baby is a whole person, a capable human being – let’s treat her as such.

My capable and incredible human being. We made you, but now we will let you discover life.

Anyone who knows me knows how much I like to succeed, and to do things to the best of my ability. No surprise then that I’m tackling parenting with this attitude. I spend hours reading and researching topics such as sleep (yes, always sleep…), food (particularly BLW), physical and cognitive development, discipline… Often this has backfired, as there is most certainly the thing of too much information, and trying to analyse things which are un-analyse-able (ie why she slept, or why she didn’t).

But every now and then I come across a concept or theme that really speaks to me. An example is baby led weaning – had I not been an avid researcher I’d never have come across it, and it is seriously awesome. A lot (but not all) of the literature around attachment parenting really agrees with me. And thirdly, when Alyssa was four months old I read a book called

“Dance with me in the heart”

This first introduced me to the glaringly obvious concept of RESPECT for Alyssa. From then on, I tried to treat her as a human being who I will do things WITH, and not just a baby who you do things TO. For example, I try to always tell her, or even better ask her, before picking her up. We basically just try to include her, treat her as we would like to be treated ourselves, and nurture a mutually respectful relationship.

Just recently I stumbled across this website, full of lovely articles that discuss and demonstrate Magda Gerber’s philosophies. This is all linked in with Dance with me in the Heart, and is resonating well with me. It’s making me question what I think Alyssa is capable of – and allowing her to learn her full potential. Giving her the opportunity and the environment, not interfering when I don’t need to, trusting her, respecting her, observing and following her lead.

Some examples since revisiting these concepts: I now give her the choice of two bibs and ask, “would you like the green one or the pink one?” She thinks for a moment, looks at each of them, then points to the one she would like. After lunch, I’ll undo the popper on her bib and respectfully invite her to take it off herself and hand it to me – which she is capable of doing. Had I not asked, had I not trusted in her ability and invited, I would not be giving her this opportunity.

Just in the last week I got all excited about Alyssa’s incredible cognitive development, and all the things I could see her soaking up. I said to people, it’s incredible how much I can teach her! And I spent time clapping my hands then showing how she could clap hers, saying Mamamama and Dadadada, turning her round to crawl backwards down the steps. But then I read this article and it made me stop and consider – every single time I teach her something, I am forever taking away the opportunity for her to discover it for herself. She is now learning an incredible number of things for the very first time – is it selfish for me to try to take ownership of it all? Should I not give her the gift of self discovery, self satisfaction, and personal success? I have no doubt that she’s going to learn it all so long as we are actively involved parents – so what’s the rush?

What are your thoughts? What did you do, and what would you do?